Hey,

      So I barely use this much anymore because well I have a blog on blogger. But the problem right now is that most of my family knows of that blog and no one knows of this one...and we shall keep it that way. Anyways, so I have found out that my needs are a bit different now that I am married. Like right now I am sitting in my room wishing that my lovely husband who is still living in a different town was here which he will be tonight around midnight. Which he got a job down here and we are now looking for our own place...we are both so excited. But that's not what I am talking about. I have found out that I am starting to want something more to our marriage. Which right now isn't the best time for that because I am still in school. But since I said I do the need and the fill to want to become another title in my life is so much stronger. I want to be a young mother and I want to be able to experience all the joys of it. I want to experience the late night feedings and the joys of just holding a screaming child knowing that I created it. I admited as much to my husband and he said that we would try about three months before I finish college. But right now it starting to feel like that is never going to happen. Let me explain.

   I have a diease which is RA and sometimes it's know of the medicine that will make the girl lose chance of having a baby. I was on some when I first entered womenhood so their's that chance. Another chance is that of my family history. My mom had to use fertile drugs to help her get me. She found out later the drugs that my grandmother took while she was pregnant with my mom has caused infertitly in that baby but also is finding that it's causing reproduction in the grandchildren as well. My mom had a half uteries and she had three miscarriages after me in her second marriage. It scary to know that I might now be able to have a baby the right way. By creating the baby with my husband not be able to carry it. Also my husband has a chance to not be able to produce a baby as well because of one of is disorders. It's making me nervous that if we don't try and start soon then it will go less. there is also the risk that my RA will be so bad that the doctor will say that it's not safe for me to even carry a baby. Because it's getting worse each year because I went on the non  medicine route and take vitamins instead. Because I have always wanted to be a mom. I am worried that if I am put on birth control that it will mess everything up and when we are ready to have a baby then we won't.

   The problem is I don't know how to bring it up to my husband. He had enough problems on his plate right now with about to start a new job and getting me through college. Also finding us an affordable place to live that we both enjoy. People say oh talk to your family and friends but they don't understand. I babysit for a reason and that is to fill the void. But today, I saw one of my classmates who has a preggy belly and all those feelings come back. I am only twenty-one and I don't understand why this feeling is so strong. Some say  I just want to get pregnant to get the hopefull affect which is going into remission for my RA but that's not the case. I just want to be a mother and be able to experience it all with my husband....I need help.

                            Kk

Hey,

            So this weekend was like one of the best weekends ever. Thursday night/Friday morning I had an almost sex dream for I think almost the first time that I remember. I usually don’t remember these kind of things. It was me sitting in my room like I always do on Fridays and through out the day I kept getting txt messages from him. The txt messages were turning more and more sexual in the dream. So when he got here in the dream I literally pounced on him. Right before anything could happen though I woke up to my alarm for my one class of the day. So I told Stephen that I had a dream that was interesting and of course he wanted details. So I told him all about it well around lunch time our txt messages changed to just what my dream was. By the time he got here that night I literally wanted him. Of course he teased me the whole time when finally we both could breath and be relaxed we went out to eat. Then went to Wal-Mart and he took me bra and underwear shopping. I was at first very shy with the fact that here I was in Wal-mart looking at bras with my boyfriend. It was a new thing with me. I finally found two bras that I liked and of course he liked as well.

            Then we went back to my room and cuddled together and talked about everything. Friday nights are usually our night to just be together without anyone else here. Then Valentine’s Day we both woke up and cuddled up against each other. Stephen loves to cuddle in the mornings and we started to make out a bit where we were both ending up breathing heavy. But we both agreed that we would wait all day to have sex so when the time came that night it would be different. Of course that meant all day we were lightly teasing each other the whole time. We went out though to JCPenny and I found a couple of lingerie that I liked. But we decided to wait and I finally got enough courage and he took me to the local shop. I can tell you that I was really really really nervous. I was shaking from being nervous but I knew that I needed to prove to myself and to him that I could handle it. So we went inside and I clung to him literally clung to him. Finally after looking around and not getting anything we left and went back to Jcpennies where I bought the two lingerie that I liked. While I was waiting in line I felt a hand going down my back and then grab my butt. I turned around and glared at Stephen who was literally chuckling. I couldn’t believe him, and as we walked back to his car I turned to him and said, “What’s on your mind.” He chuckled and then whispered in my ear, “Same thing that’s on yours.” I didn’t know how long I could handle not pouncing on him. We went back to Wal-Mart and got some cute little underwear for myself and then we went back to my dorm room.

I told him I was going to go take a shower and he chuckled and of course started to bit my ear. Yeah, biting my ear gets me really in the mood but it’s the same thing with him so we both got ourselves to the point where we might not make it to dinner. Then we both took showers and we got ready. I put on a skirt because he wanted me to wear a skirt. But as I was putting makeup on he watched me in the mirror and was very curious on how I was putting it on. He was amazed that I can apply eye makeup without keeping my mouth open. We then went to Montana Mike’s and we loved it. By the time we got back to my dorm room. We were in a really relaxed mood and I changed into one of the lingerie and soon everything that we were doing came around.

Sunday, I woke up way before he did and I woke him up in an interesting way. Which we just cuddled and talked after I woke him up. Then after brunch in the cafeteria we came back and tried out my new mp3 and soon he was on my bed fast asleep. I thought it would be a good time to put music on mp3 player that he got me for Valentine’s day and I thought he was asleep. He was snoring up a storm and as I was listening to different music and putting it on the player I was dancing to them in my chair, (Sam you have caught me a few times.) Well…I thought I heard him stop snoring and I turned around in my chair and there he was with a huge smile on my face watching me. Opps caught in my action that I literally don’t like people seeing. He seemed pleased to see me dance in my chair. I literally was really really red and asked him how long and he said ten minutes. So he heard my off key singing too. He said that I looked cute dancing to music he couldn’t even hear since I had headphones on. Oh dear…Sunday night though we sat on the couch and watched the food network channel and just cuddled up to each other knowing that it won’t be till Friday till we get to do this again. Then we both cuddled up against each other and fell asleep. This morning he didn’t want to leave and I didn’t want him to leave. He was very close in being late for work. He told me he bought a ring that is suppose to be my size. But when we got myself sized for a ring I found out I am not the size we thought. I am not size fourteen…I am size thirteen…opps. We are though going to see if the ring will work….

I can’t wait till he ask me to become his wife.

Kk

Hey,

      Man this weekend was really great on Friday and Saturday. Friday, I started to txt my boyfriend teasing him by saying, "How's my sexy boss doing?" Then I had a friend help me get ready for him to get here that night. She strightened my hair and then braided it into two pony tails. Oh yeah...the school girl hair style. Then I found out that I had a short tennis skirt which i put on and my friend was like I have a shirt that will go perfect. When she came back the shirt completed my look. I was a litterally a school girl...now let me give you some things about me. I don't wear skirts unless I have to. So when he saw that I was wearing a skirt he kind of speed here. Soon he was here and we joked around like always. He had to admit he loved me in skirts. Then we went to applebees after fooling around. We joked and ate together and had one of the best times we could have. Then headed back to my room and litterally zonked out.

     Saturday was a really nice day. Which I could wear capris and a tank top outside. We went to the cafeteria for brunch and then we sat outside and talked. Of course one of my friends tagged along and didn't get the signal that it was just us time. Then after awhile we decided to play frisebee outside and that was a lot of fun. Of course other people decided to join. Finally we headed out to taco bell for supper and then we stopped by the mall. The mall was having a car show. Litterally inside the mall there were about thirty cars parked inside. So we got into cars after cars after cars. One car that I loved to get behind the wheel of was a mustang...Stephen said that I looked good behind the mustangs wheel. Then we joked around about trying to dress each other up. Of course Stephen was trying to convince me later to go to a adult store for some nice clothing...I almost did to. But I got to shy...very quickly.

     Sunday, I watched him sleep soundly and all I could think of was how much I loved the guy. Finally, I was kind of at a point where i had to wake him up. So I woke him gently up by kissing his lips over and over. Finally we went to brunch...and I wore the tennis skirt again because I knew he would be living home the next morning real early and I wanted a picture of me wearing the skirt in his head. We sat down in the cafeteria and that's when my knee slipped outo of it's socket. I mean my knee is suppose to be stright..right well my knee cap was on my side litterally. I am trying really hard to not to scream...and I shoved my head in my boyfriend's neck because well I couldn't get my knee socket back in place at all. It wasn't going no matter how many times I was trying to get it back. I was in pain and finally Stephen thankfully yanked it hard back in. I kept my head in his shoulders till the tears stopped flowing. when I looked aorund the cafeteria everyone was watching me...I mean all eyes. My friends who were sitting near me looked like they were going to puke. One of them at dinner didn't even sit next to me again. So that just ruined everything...finally we headed out of the cafeteria and I just litterally embrassed. But Stephen was okay. He just grew really quiet and it scared me. I know it's hard to see it and I know he was concerned about me...but I can tell it worried him. He told me as soon as we were married I was getting insurence and then that summer knee sugery. it was no ifs or buts on the matter.

Kk