kk21's Datingish

I Need Help!!!

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 19:19:23 GMT

Hey,

So I barely use this much anymore because well I have a blog on blogger. But the problem right now is that most of my family knows of that blog and no one knows of this one...and we shall keep it that way. Anyways, so I have found out that my needs are a bit different now that I am married. Like right now I am sitting in my room wishing that my lovely husband who is still living in a different town was here which he will be tonight around midnight. Which he got a job down here and we are now looking for our own place...we are both so excited. But that's not what I am talking about. I have found out that I am starting to want something more to our marriage. Which right now isn't the best time for that because I am still in school. But since I said I do the need and the fill to want to become another title in my life is so much stronger. I want to be a young mother and I want to be able to experience all the joys of it. I want to experience the late night feedings and the joys of just holding a screaming child knowing that I created it. I admited as much to my husband and he said that we would try about three months before I finish college. But right now it starting to feel like that is never going to happen. Let me explain.

I have a diease which is RA and sometimes it's know of the medicine that will make the girl lose chance of having a baby. I was on some when I first entered womenhood so their's that chance. Another chance is that of my family history. My mom had to use fertile drugs to help her get me. She found out later the drugs that my grandmother took while she was pregnant with my mom has caused infertitly in that baby but also is finding that it's causing reproduction in the grandchildren as well. My mom had a half uteries and she had three miscarriages after me in her second marriage. It scary to know that I might now be able to have a baby the right way. By creating the baby with my husband not be able to carry it. Also my husband has a chance to not be able to produce a baby as well because of one of is disorders. It's making me nervous that if we don't try and start soon then it will go less. there is also the risk that my RA will be so bad that the doctor will say that it's not safe for me to even carry a baby. Because it's getting worse each year because I went on the non medicine route and take vitamins instead. Because I have always wanted to be a mom. I am worried that if I am put on birth control that it will mess everything up and when we are ready to have a baby then we won't.

The problem is I don't know how to bring it up to my husband. He had enough problems on his plate right now with about to start a new job and getting me through college. Also finding us an affordable place to live that we both enjoy. People say oh talk to your family and friends but they don't understand. I babysit for a reason and that is to fill the void. But today, I saw one of my classmates who has a preggy belly and all those feelings come back. I am only twenty-one and I don't understand why this feeling is so strong. Some say I just want to get pregnant to get the hopefull affect which is going into remission for my RA but that's not the case. I just want to be a mother and be able to experience it all with my husband....I need help.

ABOUT TO BECOME A MRS.

Tue, 07 Jul 2009 14:20:14 GMT

Hey,

So as you can tell I haven't been on here in awhile that's because I started a blog. I know I left you guys out in the cold with things that are going on. But oh well. Anyways, my best friend puposed finally on March 6th, 2009. It's been a wonderful ride since then of planning the many wedding plans that come with having a wedding. We decided that July 11th, 2009 would be the best date to get married. Now it's only four days away and I really can't wait to walk down the aisle to see him at the end. It's an amazing experience everything so wonderful to be experiencing. I helped my sister awhile back with her wedding okay I pretty much planned it for her. She lovely took my colors but in truth I don't care I am still using them. But it's different when you are the bride. I have had some friends who are totally against me being married so quickly. They don't understand why he came back into my life and for the life of me I don't think it's neccessary to tell them. Several of my friends litterally walked away from me when they found out I was engaged. I found out that it's a trend for us who are engaged. Friends walk away because either we talk too much about wedding plans or they believe we have become a whole different person. In truth I haven't become a different person I am just more relaxed and more happy then life it self. Slowly I have been packing my stuff up to be moving into his house and it brings back the memories of my childhood more times then one. It's hard to watch my own mother just break down every once and awhile specially the closer the wedding is. But all in all...I can't wait. My maid of honor is my best friend that I have had since I was four years old. She was the one friend who knew that when he asked me out again that it was it for me. She knew that she had to step back as the best friend and let him step up. I couldn't do this without her. Right now though she is on her intership so she wasn't here for a lot of the wedding planning and a lot of the parties. But she was sweet enough to be on a web cam during my bridal shower. She tries her hardest and that's what matters to me. I am so excited and yet I don't show it. People tell my mom that they are worried because I am never super excited yet they don't know how I feel. I may not show it but I am super excited. I am excited to just be with him more then anything. No more of him having to take me home at night having to leave my side even though neither of us what him to. It's done and in four days...we will become husband and wife.

My Love, My Valentine

Mon, 16 Feb 2009 16:10:48 GMT

Hey,

So this weekend was like one of the best weekends ever. Thursday night/Friday morning I had an almost sex dream for I think almost the first time that I remember. I usually don’t remember these kind of things. It was me sitting in my room like I always do on Fridays and through out the day I kept getting txt messages from him. The txt messages were turning more and more sexual in the dream. So when he got here in the dream I literally pounced on him. Right before anything could happen though I woke up to my alarm for my one class of the day. So I told Stephen that I had a dream that was interesting and of course he wanted details. So I told him all about it well around lunch time our txt messages changed to just what my dream was. By the time he got here that night I literally wanted him. Of course he teased me the whole time when finally we both could breath and be relaxed we went out to eat. Then went to Wal-Mart and he took me bra and underwear shopping. I was at first very shy with the fact that here I was in Wal-mart looking at bras with my boyfriend. It was a new thing with me. I finally found two bras that I liked and of course he liked as well.

Then we went back to my room and cuddled together and talked about everything. Friday nights are usually our night to just be together without anyone else here. Then Valentine’s Day we both woke up and cuddled up against each other. Stephen loves to cuddle in the mornings and we started to make out a bit where we were both ending up breathing heavy. But we both agreed that we would wait all day to have sex so when the time came that night it would be different. Of course that meant all day we were lightly teasing each other the whole time. We went out though to JCPenny and I found a couple of lingerie that I liked. But we decided to wait and I finally got enough courage and he took me to the local shop. I can tell you that I was really really really nervous. I was shaking from being nervous but I knew that I needed to prove to myself and to him that I could handle it. So we went inside and I clung to him literally clung to him. Finally after looking around and not getting anything we left and went back to Jcpennies where I bought the two lingerie that I liked. While I was waiting in line I felt a hand going down my back and then grab my butt. I turned around and glared at Stephen who was literally chuckling. I couldn’t believe him, and as we walked back to his car I turned to him and said, “What’s on your mind.” He chuckled and then whispered in my ear, “Same thing that’s on yours.” I didn’t know how long I could handle not pouncing on him. We went back to Wal-Mart and got some cute little underwear for myself and then we went back to my dorm room.

I told him I was going to go take a shower and he chuckled and of course started to bit my ear. Yeah, biting my ear gets me really in the mood but it’s the same thing with him so we both got ourselves to the point where we might not make it to dinner. Then we both took showers and we got ready. I put on a skirt because he wanted me to wear a skirt. But as I was putting makeup on he watched me in the mirror and was very curious on how I was putting it on. He was amazed that I can apply eye makeup without keeping my mouth open. We then went to Montana Mike’s and we loved it. By the time we got back to my dorm room. We were in a really relaxed mood and I changed into one of the lingerie and soon everything that we were doing came around.

Sunday, I woke up way before he did and I woke him up in an interesting way. Which we just cuddled and talked after I woke him up. Then after brunch in the cafeteria we came back and tried out my new mp3 and soon he was on my bed fast asleep. I thought it would be a good time to put music on mp3 player that he got me for Valentine’s day and I thought he was asleep. He was snoring up a storm and as I was listening to different music and putting it on the player I was dancing to them in my chair, (Sam you have caught me a few times.) Well…I thought I heard him stop snoring and I turned around in my chair and there he was with a huge smile on my face watching me. Opps caught in my action that I literally don’t like people seeing. He seemed pleased to see me dance in my chair. I literally was really really red and asked him how long and he said ten minutes. So he heard my off key singing too. He said that I looked cute dancing to music he couldn’t even hear since I had headphones on. Oh dear…Sunday night though we sat on the couch and watched the food network channel and just cuddled up to each other knowing that it won’t be till Friday till we get to do this again. Then we both cuddled up against each other and fell asleep. This morning he didn’t want to leave and I didn’t want him to leave. He was very close in being late for work. He told me he bought a ring that is suppose to be my size. But when we got myself sized for a ring I found out I am not the size we thought. I am not size fourteen…I am size thirteen…opps. We are though going to see if the ring will work….

I can’t wait till he ask me to become his wife.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Thu, 12 Feb 2009 12:08:58 GMT

Hey,

So yesterday I was having a horrible day. Right before I left for class I get a call from one of my older sisters saying that our mom is in the hosptial. I messaged my other sister and told her what was going on. Then went to class to find out that we have a test this Friday. I then checked to see what I got on a test that I took on Tuesday and found out that I got a 56% on it. Then I read a note on facebook that a friend wrote and it was basically to me saying basically to leave them alone in so other words. Well I was really upset about this and it made me feel like I was a horrible person that I txt my boyfriend about it and we talked through txt messages. At the same time we were talking back and forth. He got all protective and started sending facebook messages to the guy who wrote the note. It's the joy really...anyways, at seven or so he got here. He arrived and I ran into his arms. I wanted to be near him to make me feel like I am worth something. Well...I talked to him telling him that most of it was settled most of it because he got involved.

We then went to eat and just talked. Well last night right before we fell asleep in each others arms he looked over at me and he said, "I tell you everything. I have never told anyone as much as I have told you. Not even my past girlfriends or even my old friends that were girls." I couldn't believe that he said that. We both have gotten better to the fact that we tell each other what's bothering us and what's on our minds. But knowing that I am the only one that hears some of his thoughts makes it so special. I cuddled up to him and then said, "That's what we are suppose to do." He chuckled. We then talked a bit about death which was kind of freaky. I learned that he tried to kill himself in the past and he learned that I did too. We then talked about would we each want to be put on life support. He said that he said He put no on something, but now...as he looked into my eyes said, "Things changed. I think I would want to be put on life support for a bit." I told him that when the time comes if it comes to life support. I want him to look at me and ask this question to himself...am I really there. If he can answer yes then keep me on if no then take me off. It was an interesting topic really and with him I am not scared to be honest. Because we both agree...if we want our relationship to work we have to relay about each other.

A Great Weekend Going Down Hill

Mon, 09 Feb 2009 12:20:16 GMT

Hey,

Man this weekend was really great on Friday and Saturday. Friday, I started to txt my boyfriend teasing him by saying, "How's my sexy boss doing?" Then I had a friend help me get ready for him to get here that night. She strightened my hair and then braided it into two pony tails. Oh yeah...the school girl hair style. Then I found out that I had a short tennis skirt which i put on and my friend was like I have a shirt that will go perfect. When she came back the shirt completed my look. I was a litterally a school girl...now let me give you some things about me. I don't wear skirts unless I have to. So when he saw that I was wearing a skirt he kind of speed here. Soon he was here and we joked around like always. He had to admit he loved me in skirts. Then we went to applebees after fooling around. We joked and ate together and had one of the best times we could have. Then headed back to my room and litterally zonked out.

Saturday was a really nice day. Which I could wear capris and a tank top outside. We went to the cafeteria for brunch and then we sat outside and talked. Of course one of my friends tagged along and didn't get the signal that it was just us time. Then after awhile we decided to play frisebee outside and that was a lot of fun. Of course other people decided to join. Finally we headed out to taco bell for supper and then we stopped by the mall. The mall was having a car show. Litterally inside the mall there were about thirty cars parked inside. So we got into cars after cars after cars. One car that I loved to get behind the wheel of was a mustang...Stephen said that I looked good behind the mustangs wheel. Then we joked around about trying to dress each other up. Of course Stephen was trying to convince me later to go to a adult store for some nice clothing...I almost did to. But I got to shy...very quickly.

Sunday, I watched him sleep soundly and all I could think of was how much I loved the guy. Finally, I was kind of at a point where i had to wake him up. So I woke him gently up by kissing his lips over and over. Finally we went to brunch...and I wore the tennis skirt again because I knew he would be living home the next morning real early and I wanted a picture of me wearing the skirt in his head. We sat down in the cafeteria and that's when my knee slipped outo of it's socket. I mean my knee is suppose to be stright..right well my knee cap was on my side litterally. I am trying really hard to not to scream...and I shoved my head in my boyfriend's neck because well I couldn't get my knee socket back in place at all. It wasn't going no matter how many times I was trying to get it back. I was in pain and finally Stephen thankfully yanked it hard back in. I kept my head in his shoulders till the tears stopped flowing. when I looked aorund the cafeteria everyone was watching me...I mean all eyes. My friends who were sitting near me looked like they were going to puke. One of them at dinner didn't even sit next to me again. So that just ruined everything...finally we headed out of the cafeteria and I just litterally embrassed. But Stephen was okay. He just grew really quiet and it scared me. I know it's hard to see it and I know he was concerned about me...but I can tell it worried him. He told me as soon as we were married I was getting insurence and then that summer knee sugery. it was no ifs or buts on the matter.

Four Months Come and Gone....Now Valentine's Day...oh dear

Fri, 06 Feb 2009 02:25:32 GMT

Hey,

So it's been four months since I said, "yes" to that perfect wonderful guy. Man, has it been one of the most wonderful things ever. To see the way he looks at me it just makes me giggle and weak at the knees. It's amazing how my life has changed. I was talking with a girl today and she looked at me. She then said, "Your different." I haven't realized how different I am. I am no longer as stressed as I used to be because I have someone to actually talk to about everything and for once that someone listens to everything. Sure he might daze off in the distance but he still listens and talks to me. My days go from utterly everything is going wrong in it to him talking to me on the phone or even driving an hour and a half to come to make my day brighter. It's just been amazing experience to say the least. My friends are sick and tired of me talking about him but you know I can't stop.

So Valentine's Day is like right around the corner...litterally it's just over a week away. I bought him something for Valentine's Day but now I am a totally loss for what to do. He's going to be down here instead of me being up there and I have no clue.

We joke that lately I am in an awfully playful mood. Like me wrestling to be on top of him and once on top I pin his arms over his hand and softly count to ten. Then say "pin" which makes him react in interesting ways...hehe. He was the one who said maybe my playful moods might need some whip cream...

P.S. I need ideas.

Boyfriend's Roommate...being a pain.

Wed, 28 Jan 2009 15:24:31 GMT

Ug....I am so pissed off right now that I can't even think. How dare he say something like that to me when I am just saying a girl says hi to him. I just want to slap him in the face for the comment he txt me with back. Okay so yesterday I am having dinner with my boyfriend and a couple of my friends in my school's cafeteria. When one of my friends said that she would love to date someone. Well, my boyfriend's roommate is single so I was wondering if they would like to meet up since both of them want to be with someone. So I was telling her about him and she was like yeah I would like to meet him. I looked at my boyfriend and he shook his head and we thought of how to get them to meet. So I txt his roommate saying, that my friend Jamie says hi. He text back asking who she was and Stephen said tell him, "She's the perfect girl for him." So I text that to him when I got a very crude txt back. "Tell him to go stick your dildoo up his ass." I felt offended from that little comment but as I was sitting in the cafeteria of my school I didn't want to tell my boyfriend of it. I didn't want to tell him at all because I am the person who rather no conflict but he rather get down to what's going on.

As we walked to my room I debated to tell him or not to tell him. Then I thought if I didn't tell him then it would be a secret that I would be keeping from him. A relationship based around secrets aren't the best kind of relationship that would lead to marriage. So I told him what his roommate said and then I went to go help a girl down the hall with her homework. When I got down the hallway I heard my bedroom door slam close. When I returned Stephen told me what happened that his roommate hung up on him when Stephen said that he was crude and mean to me.

Today it got worse. Stephen got a txt message from his roommate while he was on his way to work that said, "Well, don't push me because I could make ur life miserable." Stephen which told me he txt him back saying, "Well ur rent just went up." Because stephen was paying two thirds of this apartment where Peter was just paying one third. The deal was his roommate was suppose to help around the house and actually be civil to me (even though I am a good friend of his). He wasn't allowed to make comments like he did once in the kitchen of the apartment, "If I hear any smacking from kissing then you two will die." Oh yeah that's real mature. We both pretty much ignored him. But the promise was made after that happened. Because you know it freak me out a bit. I grew up with both guys. But when he takes a extremely sharp knife out of the drewer and starts to finger it while he saying it. Kind of makes you on edge.

Well his rent went up and Stephen and I have a feeling that's not the end of it. Stephen said most likely he will leave the apartment which will make him break the lease of the place and move in with someone elses house for awhile.

Then here is my thinking...he could do much worse then that. He could tell my parents and Stephen's parents that we aren't virgins anymore and aren't mormon. That would be the worst thing he could do to us and I pray he won't do that.

But my thought is...should I just not have told my boyfriend about the text no matter how badly it was. Because there goes his friendship with him that has been since we were little. I feel like I just become between their friendship and it's the last thing I wanted to do.

Ug..

Why are you smiling when your sleeping, why are you far away when your dreaming

Mon, 26 Jan 2009 04:39:14 GMT

Hey,

So I went home this weekend to spend time with my boyfriend. Well it just happened that my mom went into the hospital that day I was coming. So instead of going home every night to an empty house that creeps me out, I just stayed the night at his place. Friday night he picked me up at my mom's and we went to the hospital. After that we went back to my place and put a load of laundry in and went out to eat at IHOP. I have finally realized another thing we both have in common. We both people watch. There was a group next to us that were talking quite loudly and we (my boyfriend and I) just sat quietly and listened to them most of the time. Then we went back to my house and finished my laundry as well as look online for diamonds. We found a steal two 1 cr. diamonds for the price of one. We decided to bid on them and guess what we got them. Finally we back to his place and went down stairs to his room. He and I were talking just standing there after we both changed into pj's when he threw me on the bed and climb on top of me. Oh yeah...it was unexpected and I couldn't help but crack up laughing. We played around for awhile and finally went sound asleep.

Saturday morning I awoke finally a hand going up and down the side of my body since I sleep on my side. I opened my eyes a little bit and saw the look he was giving me as I slept. When I finally opened my eyes we talked and kissed. I asked him how long he has been watching me sleep and he goes for an hour. He watched me sleep for an hour. Finally I went and took a shower and he made me breakfast afterwards. We then went grocery shopping and I helped pick out food for the house. Then we went to see my mom again and then hung out at my house watching a movie. That night we had a couple of his friends over and played games which I creamed them at poker. go me.

This morning when I woke up in his arms I didn't want to get up at all. I wanted to just lay there and cuddle against his warmth knowing I would have to go back to school that night. Now that I am back at school I wish I was home. Home isn't where my mother lives and where I generally live. Home is a town house with two boys as roommates. Because he consideres it my place too I might as well consider it my place. I can't wait for this week to end.

LDR

Fri, 23 Jan 2009 16:15:39 GMT

Hey,

Okay, so I was reading another xanga about long distance relationships and tips about how to make it work. I had to agree with some of them and some of them I wasn't so sure of. Okay for a little bit of background on my relationship we are only an hour and a half away but I don't drive and I don't see him every day. We agree that gas prices are not low enough for him to come down every day and spend time with me. Plus I need to focus on school more then anything else. Because I need stright A's and the only way to do that is to study almost six hours a day on the week days. But I have to admit that Long Distance Relationships have their falls and their really good perks to things.

How are we making our long distance relationship work. That would be our communcating. I can tell you his schedule on the back of my hand because that's when we talk. We talk in txt messages through out the day on his breaks and when I am not in class. I can tell you that he wakes up at seven and gets to work about seven fourty five every morning. At ten o'clock he has a fifteen minute break to do nothing. Usually he will play games on his phone or txt me. At noon he gets an hour lunch during the whole time he is eatting he txting me back and forth. We ask each other how our day is going. Then at three o'clock I get a hi what are you doing txt from him because of his fifteen minute break. Then at five we are txting each other all the way up to seven o'clock for which I should have my homework done and be able to talk to him until we say goodnight and go to bed which is about 9:45 to ten o'clock at night. During the day we txt each other I love yous. Or if something happens that we need to tell each thing we tell them.

Like my last entry I talked about me having a bad day and he just came down to cheer me up. When one of us is having a rough day we just let them talk. Talk about what's bothering them and give each other advice. We want it to work.

But my favorite moments would have to be when we get to see each other. We made a plan when we knew we would be LDR to see each other every other weekend. Yeah, that seem to not work out for us. We see each other every weekend and litterally we count down for the moment when they walk in the door. Like right now I know that I will see him in six hours. I will be getting a txt from him with minutes count down which I'll send him seconds count down. It's those moments that I cherish more then ever. Because when I see him after our break of being apart even though it's only a couple of days I run into his arms and hold him close. At times during the time we are together I will catch him just staring at me. I will ask him what and he goes, "Just looking at you." It's like he is memorizing those single moments as I am. But I have to admit that the days when we see each other the first day. Is the day that I dress up. I don't care about anything other then looking really nice for him. I also dress up on the last day we are together.

We make it work and that's what is great.

Stressful Day Turned to Be Memorable

Thu, 22 Jan 2009 11:49:56 GMT

Hey,

So I have been having a not good week here at school. I have struggled through my classes and pretty much just wanting to quit school and say forget it. Yesterday, I was sitting in my room filling out my calenders to help me remember certain assignments that need to get done. When I realized that it would be hard to get stright A's that I need for this semister. I litterally was frustrated with myself to get to this point where I would need to get stright A's to be able to go into my major and I was litterally beating myself up for it. I was txting my boyfriend off and on and he was trying to calm me down. When he said, "You want me to tell you something that will cheer you up?" I text him back asking him how he would do that. He said with a little comment. He then told me that he was coming to see me when he got off. He would have to drive an hour and a half to see me. After that was all I could think of. I finished my homework so I could just spend time with him. I even cleaned my room and took a shower. When he got here and wrapped his arms around my body I felt a peace that I can only experience when he is around me.

He spent the night here and we just sat and talked about everything. I showed him some ideas that I have had for things and he just chuckled. We both agree that we will most likely have our wedding plans done other then the date and the place when he purposes. Which hopefully will be soon. We then both fell asleep cuddled together and I realized how much I miss that. Sleeping by his side knowing that if something were to happen he was right there for me. I get Night Terrors where I just scream in my sleep and attack myself in my sleep. But when he is there I have no problems. He says that I sleep peacefully and i realize he watches me sleep next to him. I love him with my whole heart.

This morning as I said goodbye and he left to make the hour and half drive back to our home town where his job is. I realized that I apart of me leaves with him and you know that's okay because I know it will return.